FAITH OR LEMONADE AND CANCER

When Life Throws You Lemons And The “C” Word…

First, DO NOT… I REPEAT… DO NOT listen to anyone who tells you to make lemonade and soak in it.

faithbiggerthanfears

Why would you ever want to ingest something causing you pain! I do however suggest making the lemonade and giving some to an annoying neighbor, or maybe an evil rumor regurgitating housewife… On second thought, don’t even make the lemonade.

I was thrown slammed by lemons yesterday. As I sat in the passenger seat of my car, I got “the call.” Typically, I dread phone calls from my doctor, but I thought this one would be fine. I mean really, the day before the worst ailment I could have had (clearly not inflicted by my dancing) was a kidney stone or UTI. I even cracked a smile before I picked up the call.

The Call. The first few seconds were perfect. “Hi Mrs. C, it’s (insert doctors name here). I have your results and you do not have a UTI…” WHOOPIE! NO UTI! “… but … I am a little concerned and would like to have you in for an ultrasound as soon as possible. Your problems could be due to a MASS in your kidney.”

HUH? WHAT THE HELL DID SHE MEAN BY A MASS??? KIDNEY STONES WOULDN’T BE CALLED A “MASS” WOULD THEY? NOPE, NO WAY… SHE WOULD HAVE SAID STONES… NOT A MASS…

While my anxiety rose (not slow and steady I might add), hundreds of questions were flooding my mind.  Finally, I blurted it out…

“ARE YOU REFERRING TO THE “C” WORD”?!?

She responded with a “yes, we cannot rule that out, but that is why we are going to do an ultrasound.”

Where the HELL did my Kidney stones go? I wanted them back! I wanted to BEG HER TO GIVE ME MY STONES BACK!!!  Breathe… I knew I had to breathe… so I did (though it like breathing during an asthma attack).

Without even knowing whether my problem is minor or very serious, it think I saw my life flashing before me and my outlook was vastly different from moments before “the call”. It’s amazing how “ONE SINGLE WORD CAN CHANGE YOU COMPLETELY”. I was ANGRY, SCARED, SAD, WORRIED, ANGRY, ANGRY AND EVEN MORE ANGRY! ANGER was the one emotion I couldn’t let go of. Some of my anger was selfish. What if it was Cancer? What if I was not going to be ok? How could anyone allow this happen to my CHILDREN? They didn’t deserve it! The rush of emotions was maddening!

Then… I woke up. For all I know, it isn’t cancer. It could still be a kidney stone. It could be anything! I let “something” that may be “absolutely nothing” take over my world… and it all started with one word that began with the letter “C.”

So, until my ultrasound sheds more light on my internal issues, I am going to focus on a word that doesn’t equate to an emotional state of rage, rather something a little more powerful… “FAITH.”

I am still scared and I hope my appointment goes well.  Regardless though, I have faith that everything is going to be ok.

faithbiggerthanfears

ELEVATE | 2014

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Dancing Days Are Over

A close friend recently told me “Once you near your 40′s, everything starts to hurt.”  I believe her.

It started with the dancing.  In a recent post, I mentioned how I could still Kriss Kross And Applesauce On A Dance Floor… Well, I forgot to mention that I had some discomfort in my back before I took to the “Dance Floor Of No Return.”  I neglected to bring it up to my doctor for fear that she would assume I was trying to hide the fact that my “back pain… was…”

not due to dancing like a 16-year-old with flailing arms and wobbly knees.

If I was just honest with my doctor though, I might have spared myself the looks I am getting now as I walk through life, just like a turtle without its shell… Instead, I hung my head low as I walked into my doctor’s office yesterday.  I did mention my dancing and how I thought the pain was because of that before… but it was still present… more so than ever.  A quick test determined that it could be due to a kidney stone.

Ok, so I wanted to scream out of sheer joy but decided to spare myself any more embarrassment.  I am a woman.  Like many women, I allow the smallest ailment become a death trap in my head.  Before my appointment, I started thinking about how I would tell my kids that I was not ok, and not going to be ok…

The highlight of my day was while driving my little ones home.  My doctor’s appointment was over, my medication picked up, and my faith renewed.  I was alive!  I was not going anywhere anytime soon, and everyone, including my children, believed me because I was not really moving quickly enough to get anywhere soon.

hence, “The Turtle,” my sign from God!

It was in the middle of the road.  I pulled over and took a picture before animal control picked it up by its tail and placed it safely by the water (did I mention the slow and steady turtle was hissing at me the whole time).  It was like a little reminder that even though I may have been walking like a turtle, slow and steady… it didn’t mean I wasn’t strong and couldn’t bite.

Turtle

I may not go out dancing again any time soon but… the “Dance Floor Of No Return” has not seen the last of me!

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A Mother’s Guilt

Guilty.

I admit it… I have “terrible mother’s syndrome” written all over my face.  I don’t like wasting money on birthday parties for children.  Not only do I not like wasting my money on them, I don’t like making other people have to waste money on gifts that my “picky” children probably won’t like for more than a minute following opening them…

I am not sure my daughters even remember what they get on their birthdays since I hide carefully put away some of their presents for a future date when they get tired of their current box o’ toys, and they “believe” the new present is really brand new…

So… in great “Mother’s guilt” fashion, I decided to start offering the “ultimate” gift… a hundred-dollar bill.  My reasoning is this:

  1. It takes zero time to prepare or plan.
  2. It gives me a reason to go shopping.
  3. I am hoping they will start saving a bit of their money.
  4. They will buy themselves things they genuinely like.
  5. Did I mention I don’t have to plan a party?

Julia was the first to take the offer (smart girl)!  She opted for money instead of a party.  Her one request was to make a random day her family party day.  The random day happened to be this past weekend.  Julia wanted to paint pottery for her mini birthday, so off to pottery painting we went.  Both girls decided to paint similar pieces.  Talia chose a burger bank, Julia a puppy bank.  I think I have an idea what the next few birthday “non-parties” might be like.

1 Win For Mom = √

AprilPotteryJulia

AprilPotteryPaint

AprilPotteryTalia

AprilPotteryJuliabackground

AprilPotteryBurger

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Will You Forgive Me Please?

I read this today, and I am glad I did because it made me…

Circleoffire

think.

It’s true.  I did love with no effort, forgive with no effort and it was natural to do both.  Like most parents, I expect my children to always love me and forgive me… so why don’t I expect the same from myself with everyone else in the world?

In middle school, I took a psychology class that talked about the term displacement.  I learned that its human nature to displace our anger or frustration out on those we know will forgive us.  It’s absurd if you really think about it!

  • Let’s all treat the people who love us most with the least bit of respect…
  • Make sure if you are mad at your boss, you take it out on your husband…
  • Wait, you didn’t score a goal???  No problem, feel free to take your frustration out on me since I love you and you know I will always forgive you…

I know it can be hard to forgive sometimes, but then we need to think of the expectations we set for our loved ones and try to set the same for ourselves with everyone in the world.

“Is constantly taking out your frustrations on someone you love and expecting them to forgive you any better than that one friend… who wronged you that one time… that you simply cannot forgive?”

Probably not.

Try forgiving someone today… maybe someone will do the same for you too.

Elevate | 2014

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A Rarity In Its Own Beauty

If you ever find one of these, take time to appreciate whats in front of you…

Bukowski

I have only met a few “true” free souls in my lifetime.  I let most of them go for various reasons, whether a change in my life’s path or a move (usually on their part).  I knew letting these people go was a mistake after each one.  Why I never stayed in touch, I still don’t know.  Maybe it was laziness, or possibly resenting them for leaving me… then I got lucky.

God gave me two more… only this time, I wasn’t letting them go.

The first and second being my daughters.  I believe each child we are blessed with is a free soul.  We are given these beautiful little beings to love and cherish but not own.  Although they have a bit of each of us in them, they are not “us” and we need to remember that.  Their personalities, likes, dislikes, and so much more are unique to each of them.  It’s not our job to make them who they are meant to be, they will do that on their own.  It is our job as parents to protect them and guide them.

We weren’t blessed with these little beings so they could live up to “our” expectations.

They have their own mission in life.  I am so proud to have been given the opportunity to experience life with 2 incredible free souls and cannot wait to see what they make of themselves.  I only hope they make themselves proud because the two of them simply being here on this earth make me a very happy and proud mother.

Do you have any free souls in your life?  If so, are they your children too?

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